“The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature” - John Bowlby.
I will preface this article by saying my grasp on this topic is very much a ‘LIP’ (learning in progress - and yes, i’ve totally just remixed a WIP there). I am not here in a professional capacity, I am merely discussing my own learnings and interest in this space. This is something I am working through on a personal level with professional guidance, and seemingly gaining a very basic PhD from Google in the process. I’ve previously touched on pop psychology and terminology that is commonly used and misused, so I was rather humbled after disappearing down a rabbit hole of literature and podcasts about attachment theory, and then the styles that are more commonly known. I have learned a lot and am keen to explore the differing attachment styles in more detail and how they grew from the attachment theory.
Before I launch, I need to insert a quick plug about an upcoming episode on A Girl Like You - By Sarah Jane. I am very excited to share that I will be recording an episode with Elizabeth Anile from Lemonade Psychotherapy. I have known Elizabeth for a few years now and I was actually a guest on her podcast Lemonade, when she was working as a TV journalist and producer. Elizabeth is now working as a psychotherapist in Melbourne and has a wealth of knowledge/experience in a lot of the topics I discuss on my podcast and blog. I will update my social media with the release dates shortly.
ATTACHMENT THEORY EXPLAINED:
“Attachment Theory owes its inception primarily to John Bowlby (1907-1990). Trained in psychoanalysis in the 1930s, Bowlby was not entirely satisfied with his studies. From his perspective, psychoanalysis focused too much on our internal world, and consequently ignored the environment we are immersed in. During the early years of his career, Bowlby worked in a psychiatric hospital as he was also trained in developmental psychology and child psychiatry. In fact, it was in this hospital where he found the inspiration for his subsequent innovative work on attachment.
In essence, Bowlby’s attachment theory posits that attachment bonds are innate. When a child’s immediate need for a secure attachment bond is not met, the child feels threatened and will react accordingly, such as by crying or calling out for their caregiver. Moreover, if the need for a stable bond is not met consistently, the infant can develop social, emotional, and even cognitive problems. This need for attachment has catalyzed our understanding of human nature, leading up to Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary’s claim that belongingness is an essential human need, much like shelter or water”.
SOURCE: The Attachment Project - there’s some great information on this website about: attachment styles, attachment & bonding, boundaries & emotional alchemy, if you are interested in further reading.
If you are like me and get overwhelmed with too many words on the screen, here’s a brief visual teaser regarding the different attachment styles. I’ll be back in a few scrolls…
THE TYPES OF ATTACHMENT STYLES:
While research suggests that patterns established in childhood put in place much of the framework for adult relationships, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily identical later in life (I believe). If we look at the attachment theory with tunnel vision though, it’s all about the relationship with the primary caregiver (one parent) that will ultimately mould our attachment style. While I agree with this on some level (as a factor), I don’t believe that it is set in stone from only one influence. At 37 years of age looking back at most of my relationships to date, I believe it was the impact of my non-primary caregiver (my father) that caused the most damage and ultimately, that lead to my own attachment style (fearful-avoidant). And of course, my choice of partners… but why?! I am of the opinion that the environment and relationships we are exposed to and conditioned to in our childhood, teens and even adult life, are far more significant and can alter whatever foundation had been previously built - negatively or positively. I guess this discussion has traces of the chicken or the egg argument, for me anyway. I mean who am I to contest this theory as a lay babe from Melbs, but I do love the internal debate this has raised. This should all make a bit more sense you move through the post.
The four attachment styles are: SECURE ATTACHMENT, ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT (also referred to as anxious-ambivalent/preoccupied), AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT (also referred to as dismissive or anxious-avoidant) and DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT (also referred to as fearful-avoidant). Avoidant, anxious, and disorganised are considered insecure attachment styles, with secure being the ‘gold standard’, for a lack of a better phrase. Ugh. I will also add, that while I was completing my Google PhD, I found conflicting information about whether there are three or four attachment styles. So i’ll add this to my list of Q’s for my episode with Elizabeth (the real professional) - stay tuned.
SECURE ATTACHMENT:
Secure attachment is defined by an ability to build healthy and long-lasting relationships. There is trust (that on the whole the world/other’s are a safe space), empathy, self-awareness, you feel valued and safe in your relationship, there’s a confidence to effectively communicate, the ability to self-reflect in the partnership and to be emotionally available. My interpretation is that there’s an underlying feeling of security, in every sense - I mean, duhhh, the name says it all.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT:
The attachment theory would suggest that people with this type of attachment style potentially had a strict or emotionally distant relationship with their primary caregiver. As a result of this emotional neglect or distance (neglect sounds unfairly harsh, soz) it can significantly impact someone’s ability to engage with emotional and physical intimacy, and building long-term relationships. You may have a hard time trusting people, discomfort in expressing your feelings, spending a lot of time alone with the belief you don’t need others in your life, a feeling of strong independence and having commitment issues. This potentially could have resulted because: you were left to fend for yourself (emotionally/physically), an expectation to be independent from a young age, having your emotions/needs disregarded and a delayed response to your basic needs. With a combination or variation of the above, people who have experienced this treatment from a caregiver can adopt a strong sense of independence, with the belief they don’t need to or want to rely on anyone else.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT:
This attachment style often reflects inconsistent parenting and a bond that wasn’t sympathetic or responsive to the child’s needs. This can leave the children feeling insecure, confused and rejected. This can lead to a fear of abandonment, codependent tendencies - depending on a partner for validation and emotional regulation. There are also feelings of jealousy, an intense fear of rejection, difficulty being alone, prioritising other’s needs over their own, seeking approval from others, low self-esteem and poor conflict management skills. They can be clingy, have trouble understanding/instilling boundaries, poor conflict management skills and needing approval from others.
FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE:
Lol, this one seems to be the crème de la crème of attachment styles and of course, it’s mine. FFS. This style of attachment is complex - it’s a combination of the preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant styles of insecure attachment. There are both high levels of anxiety and avoidance in relationships. There can also be contradictory feelings of craving intimacy and closeness with a partner, met with a fear of not wanting to get too close to anyone due to past negative/traumatic experiences. Sounds fun, hey? There’s also a belief that they are unlovable and will ultimately be hurt or let down by their partner. Tendencies associated with this attachment style also include: a need for control and security, there’s a limited sense of safety - always feeling like something will go wrong, a need to protect themselves against rejection, a negative view of themselves and others, avoiding difficult conversations, difficulty regulating emotions, hypervigilance - always looking for signs of danger, people pleasing, withdrawal within the relationship and feeling dissatisfied.
Shhhittt, that was heavy. The good news is (yes, there is some), we can alter our attachment style (I believe, anyway). I will say though, i’ve read conflicting advice - that we can only alter our attachment style towards a more secure style, with other sources referencing you can absolutely change it. Hmm, and this ladies and gentleman is why you don’t rely on Google for further education or a diagnosis. All jokes aside, I now have about 78 million questions for Elizabeth - so I'll handball this over to the professional!
If you are wondering how you can find out what your attachment style is, here’s a link I was given: Thais Gibson QUIZ.
SUMMARY ON MY GOOGLE PhD/ATTACHMENT STYLES RABBIT HOLE:
While I totally agree with the importance of emotional bonds/connection being made and having our needs met as infants and children, I don’t know that I credit our attachment style solely to our primary caregiver (I think it’s a factor)
I do believe we can alter our attachment styles (with professional support and guidance)
I believe our formative years play a huge role in how we cope and view interpersonal relationships in our adult life, I don’t know that we are necessarily bound by that forever though. But for sure, it’s a huge contributing factor
I believe if you fall under any of the insecure attachment styles, this can be because you were triggered by past trauma (potentially in infancy/childhood) - to some degree I question whether our choice in partner can push us in a certain direction though. Maybe to some extent we attach/react to certain people for a variety of reasons
I believe if you fall under any of the insecure attachment styles, the right partner and a safe partner will allow you to adopt secure behaviour, thoughts and feelings - eventually forming a secure attachment
If you know your attachment style, I believe this is something that should be communicated to your partner - for a better understanding, potential triggers, how you need to be loved/feel etc.
Seek professional guidance and support as you tackle any/all of the above
I now need to shut-up and hand this over to the professional
And… it’s entirely possible I have NO IDEA what i’m talking about
As usual, thanks for getting all the way down here.
SJ x