FUNCTIONAL FREEZE: THE FORGOTTEN RESPONSE
Well, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted on here - actually, it’s been about 1,051,200 hot minutes (but who’s counting?!). Behind the screen and my excessive content re-sharing on social media, i’ve been stuck. I’ve been functioning in the sense of going to work, parenting, doing Pilates (duh) and ‘LIVIN’’, but internally I have felt disconnected and numb for a long time.
If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you would understand I preface a lot of what I share with: in my unprofessional opinion - so I’m flagging that once again. While I am not a medical professional, I do have decades of experience dealing with almost every flavour of abuse (and asshole). For these reasons, which I will obviously elaborate on, welcome to my personal reflection and self-diagnosis on being stuck in a state of FUNCTIONAL FREEZE! *and the crowd goes… ohh hmm*…
(IMAGE SOUCE: https://au.pinterest.com/sheissarahjane/a-girl-like-you/)
2024 - 2026 IN A WRITTEN NUTSHELL:
It’s taken me a while to truly be ok with the fact I’ve been noticeably absent (whilst having high expectations of myself), but accepting that I don’t owe anyone, anything. As a recovering people pleaser, I’m sure many of you understand this internal struggle. The purpose behind my A Girl Like You Podcast and this blog, has always been to share in my own stories of abuse, survival, separation and navigating life post-shitshow(sssss) - to help other women. I’ve felt ashamed that I have let those who have been following along, down. The irony being, this is a very literal symptom of what I’ve been living through and not the advice I would give to anyone else. But, you know?! #GirlMath.
At the back end of 2024 and a trip to Hawaii, one of the most significant relationships of my life ended - if not the most to date. This was my first relationship post-separation and while I won’t go into the details of that just yet, I do want to wish this person an almost happy third anniversary with their new partner! If you can solve basic math equations, i’ll let you figure that one out yourself ;). Moving into 2025, GOOOOOOD LORD, JANDICE (IYKYK), I had the year from hell regarding my health. I ended up in the emergency department and then hospital almost septic, which was followed by requiring clearance for breast cancer - so, that was fun. I then continued to spiral downwards, where I dabbled in what doctors thought was Shingles, burnout and BS. However, I was finally given the all clear on my annual Pap Smear, after receiving an abnormal result for the two years prior. So in the end, there was some better health news as I crawled into 2026. All the while I was managing work, life and being a mamma to my two beautiful children - who I’ve supported with zero financial assistance since 2022. It’s been a lot. I will touch on this important context more in my first podcast episode back - coming soon. What I will leave you with is: LADIES, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS (unlike me). Chronic stress/trauma are stored in the body and if we don’t address it, it can make us physically sick. It can weaken our immune system, increasing inflammation, and trigger high levels of cortisol - the list goes on. Also, get rid of that problematic man, sis! They too will suck the life out of you.
SO, WHAT IS FUNCTIONAL FREEZE?:
Unless you’re a seasoned pro like myself when it comes to trauma responses, you might not have heard of this. However, I suspect many of you will absolutely understand what it feels like. Essentially, it’s an offshoot of the FREEZE trauma response (a broader nervous system response).
Functional freeze doesn’t mean total immobility, it’s far more subtle and it’s chronic. Internally, you can feel: disconnected, flat, on autopilot, experience difficulty with motivation, foggy and stuck - and then some. On the outside, it appears to others (and even yourself) that you are still functioning in the tasks of daily life - work, parenting, responsibilities. What adds confusion and weight to this, is that we can still perform at a high output a lot of the time. However, the numbness is what differentiates this from a regulated and grounded presence in the body and mind. This is probably why it took me a long time to recognise what was happening. It’s paradoxical in the sense that you are seemingly functioning, but not fully living. Our bodies take over in order to survive, by conserving energy and dulling the emotional intensity of past/current events. I look back on the last 5.5 years and the overwhelming feeling is absolute exhaustion, but on a soul level. As frustrating as it is to reflect on, I can acknowledge that my body needed this. I like to think of it now, as I emerge, as a temporary passage that I needed in order to reset and regulate my nervous system (and heart).
I think what also deferred my realisation/self-diagnosis, was that I was often praised for being strong and resilient with everything that was going on. I saw movement and action, but for the most part I felt like an observer of my own life. The hardest part of this all landing over the last few months, is that I’ll never get the last few years back in my children’s lives - and this breaks my heart into a million pieces. While they’ve only continued to thrive, it’s come at a cost. So to the people who knew what we were living through and decided to make it harder, may you meet your deserved and divine justice in your travels ;) I’ve got it from here.
(IMAGE SOUCE: https://au.pinterest.com/sheissarahjane/a-girl-like-you/)
FUNCTIONAL FREEZE POST-SEPARATION/BREAK-UP:
I was somewhat realistic in the early days of my separation; in terms of knowing my ability to truly heal and regulate would be on pause or prolonged. I knew from the outset that there would probably be years of contentious litigation and Family Court proceedings ahead of me, but you can never totally prepare for the toll that takes. What I didn’t anticipate, was that I would sink deeper into this state of functional freeze after my math equation relationship ended too - someone who I truly believed was a man of integrity (whoops). While these relationships ended for different reasons, my mind and body lingered in survival mode. Our bodies keep score of this pain and the hyper-awareness of danger and unpredictability doesn’t switch off overnight - it slowly unwinds. Feeling safe and regulated is both neurological and emotional. When relationships with toxic or abusive people come to an end there is often little relief immediately after, the landscape just changes gears.
What completely derailed me was the impact of my first relationship post-separation ending and the betrayal trauma he so kindly inflicted upon me. As much as I want to scorch earth revealing what some of these men have done to me, i’d rather focus on the effects rather than the person. I want to explore how their choices and behaviour have impacted me and the role I also played in their respective outcomes. Some of the standout symptoms if you will, that I will elaborate on in my podcast episode, are: chronic stress without closure/completion, how the loss of safety and trust impacts the brain, a nervous system that never fully resets and how we can alter that, the emotional overload of loss/pain/trauma/stress and how the body shuts down for protection, and ongoing contact (eg. co-parenting) with someone where the threats and impact to the nervous system can’t fully escape.
The invisible weight of being in a state of functional freeze can be truly debilitating. The unconscious adaption to survive ultimately comes crashing down and I wish I’d known more about this, to potentially have highlighted the tell-tale signs. I knew internally I was a shell of myself, but my ability to still function, masked the layers of pain that needed exposing in order to truly heal and grow.
HOW TO MOVE THROUGH & COME OUT THE OTHER END:
Before I launch into my advice, i’ll start you off with this: YOU CANNOT THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF FREEZE, THE BODY MUST FEEL SAFETY FIRST.
There is no timeframe on this and no, time does not heal all wounds. Coming out of a state of functional freeze isn’t about suddenly snapping out of it, it’s about recognising what’s happening and guiding your nervous system into a safer place. It’s important to remember, this state is where your body is stuck between shutdown (numb and disconnected) and survival (anxious, hyper-alert) - hence why it’s so fkn exhausting. While it’s been frustrating at times when I didn’t understand what I was feeling (or wasn’t), I now know this response served a purpose - TO PROTECT ME.
Towards the end of last year and this year, I have made the conscious effort to focus on gentle shifts for both my body and my mind. I found the most incredible therapist where we explore inner-child work and EMDR, I went to some intense breathwork classes and attempted meditation (attempted being the operative word). I continue to move my body through Pilates and long walks, and am slowly mastering being comfortable to SIT IN MY EMOTIONS and not rush through them. As someone who was raised in chaos, learning that everything isn’t urgent takes a long time to truly master. It’s almost as though my mind has FINALLY caught-up with my body too, in the sense that I can articulate and translate what i’m (physically) feeling and experiencing - as well as what other’s are doing to me. I do think I’m on my way out and even though i’m impatient AF with craving relief and rest, I respect the micro-activations and choices I make every single day, as opposed to racing towards the end goal.
Other things that I will also elaborate on in my podcast ep, include:
REGULATING BEFORE I REFLECT
FUNCTIONAL MASKING
SLOWLY REINTRODUCING CONNECTION
SOMATIC & TRAUMA-INFORMED THERAPY
This entire period has been a pause for protection - it was and is required. However, it’s no longer serving me.
I’m really looking forward to writing again and recording my podcast eps.
BRB, SJ x