SOLO PARENTING: Pros & Cons
“I am prouder of my years as a single mother than of any other part of my life” - JK Rowling.
I am approaching the three year mark of being a solo parent and thought I would share some of my experiences and (more recent) reflections. It wasn’t until my youngest started prep a few weeks ago, that I really sat down (for the first time) and reflected on the many things I have achieved in the last few years. Navigating parenthood is complex at the best of times, but doing it alone (in every sense of the word) is something else - even if this is by choice. While I will do my best to share as much context as I can about my situation, there will be some missing pieces. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the legal process that can follow a separation, it’s important you understand that certain details/events cannot be openly shared - while there is ongoing litigation. For this reason, I will be as transparent as I can be - whilst honouring my legal and moral obligations at this time.
While I did title this piece as ‘pros & cons’, it’s just not that simple - ughh. There is often both positives and negatives attached to specific responsibilities and probably why it’s such a confusing and exhausting experience at times. There are so many moving pieces in a separation and when there are children involved, you’re locked in - whether you like it or not. For many couples, the division of assets/financial settlement and parenting responsibilities of the respective parents, can be amicable. However, this isn’t always the case. The fatigue and burnout of this process can drastically cloud our perspective and self-gratitude, it certainly has in my experience. As uncomfortable as it makes me, I wanted to share some of my personal challenges, but more importantly… some of my achievements (this is the part that makes uncomfortable).
New Year, New Me-hhhh…
A wise man once said… “why do we have to do this dance, everrrrrytime?” and ahh, yep. That is the theme for this post, but I do mean well.
Well, i’ve (finally) got a wave of roaring “we’re not here to f*ck spiders” kinda energy and i’m going launch straight into my ICK LIST: people who don’t indicate, shortening Christmas to x-mas, leaving messages that require acknowledgement/a response on *seen* (this includes memes & reels), stopping in the middle of the supermarket aisle, the phrase “good vibes only”, toxic positivity, bad manners, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s resolutions - just to name a few, lol. Geez, I sound like a grumpy Baby Boomer who has Jon Faine and Raf Epstein on speed dial! Me-hhhh. I kind of am, but with an outstanding Millennial taste in music. I guess the point of this post is to reassure anyone else who struggles with the pressure of having to feel extreme happiness and gratitude, particularly during the holiday season, that it’s OK. I hear ya’.
BEAUTY: Collagen Peptide Powder, Foundation & Hair Growth
*SIRENS* > I have BREAKING BEAUTY NEWS! Eeeeep - you better be on the edge of your (toilet) seat! If you’ve followed any of my beauty blogs in the past, you would know my choice of foundation lasted longer than my marriage (a decade for clarification) - UNTIL NOW! At this stage the only thing that’s lasted longer is my crush on Damian Walshe-Howling, oh Channel 7… bring back Blue Heelers! OIIIIEEY, It feels good to right about something light this week, my last post wiped me out - it’s been a crappy few weeks. On the eve of my last post about domestic violence here in Australia, I found out a very dear friend of mine lost a family member to suicide. I was an absolute mess when I wrote that post and while these feelings linger, today is a better day. I am back Strava-ing my way around Melbourne, back into Pilates and the sun is shining. So here’s to some gentle and helpful relief - I hope. For anyone who needs visual clarification on said lover, you’ll need to scroll through my beauty review. The reward is waiting!
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes…
TRIGGER WARNING: this post contains discussions and references to family violence - including: domestic violence, emotional and sexual abuse. Please continue with discretion.
AGLY Ep 07 - The Debrief
ATTACHMENT THEORY & STYLES, SOMATIC THERAPY, NPD & THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
This has to be up there as one of my favourite episodes, ever. I mean, I only have seven to choose from… but hey. I love all of them for different reasons, but it was great to be able to remove the ‘UN’ from my usual unprofessional opinion. The professional I refer to was the one and only, Elizabeth Anile - the shoe was finally on the other foot! I had my first ever experience recording a podcast with Elizabeth back in 2019, on her podcast > Lemonade. I remember being so nervous beforehand, but quickly realising it was actually such a safe and intimate setting - hence why I love this as a medium. To add to my those nerves (and the disgust at the sound of my own voice) was that Elizabeth is a journalist and TV producer - yikkkes. I have to say though, listening to her has taught me a lot about how to navigate a good interview - what to ask, how to ask and then how to really listen. In short, when I grow up, I’d like to be Elizabeth!
We spoke for nearly 78 hours and what felt like was a (free!) personal therapy session about all things: attachment theory, attachment styles and how they work/don’t work with our partner’s, the nervous system and somatic therapy, NPD vs narcissism or narcissistic traits, toxic positivity, labelling or self-diagnosing and everything in-between. While we covered some pretty heavy topics, we kept it upbeat and it’s an easy (but longish) listen. The beauty of a pause button, huh - WOO. As usual, I like to follow-up all episodes with a written debrief and include my final thoughts and any relevant resource info.
Boundaries & the Bare Minimum
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” - PRENTIS HEMPHILL
I think it’s time I get back in my Speakers’ Corner (alas, only momentarily), as I can feel another buzzword rant brewing. Ugh. Yet another term that has forged its way from the comfort and privacy of therapy, onto our feeds and into our mouths - AD NAUSEAM. The overuse of these psychology terms can dilute the true meanings of these words, even when the intentions are pure. While I don’t believe the overuse of ‘boundaries’ is harmful, it’s more about the risk of becoming desensitised to a healthy objective that many of us struggle with (hi, it’s me). In closing, I will now proceed with an entire article and a few Insta posts about… BOUNDARIES, lol. The hypocrisy is not lost on me. For me though, it’s more about the importance of the meaning and for those who are trying to mould a more secure/healthy attachment style and master self-assurance.